Reflections of a Lifetime
The sun has finally set and the night begins. Another day has passed, but this time it'll be the last of the year 2004, one filled with many up and downs. You would think that almost everyone would be seeking acquaintances to occupy themselves on New Years Eve. However, all of my friends have made plans, and this day, along with past New Year's Eve days, will be no different for me. I'll take this chance now to do something that I've never done before.
Before I begin, I must advise the reader of the length and content of this blog. What I'm set to accomplish is uncertain. But by the time you're done reading this long rant, you should be able to understand more about me as a person and how I view life through my eyes (hopefully). Like all rants, there exists a bias towards how I perceive things. With this in mind, I will try to convey myself in the best possible way. For the readers who do not have the patience to follow, do not push yourself to. I appreciate everyone who reads this and will respect everyone who does not.
I will separate each section with headings for easier viewing.
My Life as a Person
People who know me as a person should generally understand my personality. I'm a reserved person who contemplates more than I speak. I'm the type of person who would over-analyze a small thing and turn it into something that will worry me for a few days. Simply put, I think too much and will speak out only if I have to.
Because of this, I'm not a very social person. I wouldn't say I'm anti-social, but overall a quiet person. When I was young, I would have difficulty trying to fit into the "crowd". I always tried so hard to become the popular person, trying to get people to recognize me. Eventually I realized to be myself, let people judge me for who I am, and to not act as someone that I am not. As time passed, I became more open to my peers. I made a few friends, and got along pretty well. But something lingered on, and still till this day it has lingered. One could say it's just my personality, but I personally feel that it is something more...
To explain this to the best of my ability, I will use a well thought-out analogy:
Suppose you are trying to avoid a tiger that's been chasing you for a long time. It's true intentions is not known, but you are sure of one thing, and that is it will harm you if it had the chance. You stumble upon a box-shaped room with a door that can be locked. The room is strong enough to withstand anything (including a blood-thirsty tiger), but you are not aware if it is strong enough. You quickly decide to lock yourself in the room, hoping it would be enough to fend off the animal. But the noise it makes is simply unbearable, frightening you and causing you to doubt the strength of the room. Then within the room you see another room, an exact same room of the one you are in right now, but a little smaller. You go into the next room, locking yourself up, in an effort to avoid the noise of the tiger. The sound got damper, but you can still hear it. Then you discover that there's another room, the exact same one but a bit smaller again. By now you realize that there's an infinite amount of these rooms, so you continue the process of locking yourself in (bear ing in mind that the first room was strong enough to withstand the beast), until the point where you can not hear the unbearable sound.
You are now in a very small room after going through countless amount of rooms. You have waited long enough for the tiger to give up on you. But deep down you are still frightened, afraid if the tiger is preparing for an ambush outside the door. You cautiously open the door, and discovered it is not there. Now the next door awaits you, and you still cannot find the beast. As you go through the doors, whenever you hear the unbearable sound, you quickly go back into the previous rooms and hid until the sound cannot be heard. This process is forever repeated, with no end in sight.....
I guess this analogy basically sums up my personality in a nutshell, give or take a bit. Although I don't show it in public, this is what I went through and still do till this day. The people who knows me very well would understand what I'm trying to say. For those who doesn't know me as well, in time you will understand too.
My Friends
The people other than my family that affect me the most, my friends. Although I do not have many, I believe the ones I made will last for a long time. They are the ones, regardless of your appearance, would support you no matter what.
There is something I must say before I continue on with this discussion. It is something I have believed in the past, but not as much nowadays. I seriously believed that I was at a "lower level" compared to all of my friends. If I observed each and everyone of them, I would truly be convinced that they are among a higher group of class. Maybe this is due to the fact that I feel not as popular as everyone whenever I try to seek recognition from them. Or it is because everyone have their own unique personality and what's making me feel different is because I'm one of those personalities. In any case, I don't think I can say much about this sort of feeling. Therefore, I will leave it for another time.
I would like to take this opportunity to reconcile with some of those friends in this rant. If your name doesn't show up here and you treat me as a friend, it doesn't mean that I don't either. If your name does show up here, but you don't treat me as a friend, then I apologize for anything I may have said.
Andrew Lee - The first to attempt in opening my door, and the first person I've met that can speak his mind freely if he wants to. I have learned much from you and have given me strength to continue on. Although recently we haven't been in contact all that much, I appreciate and thank you for your support during my times of need.
Joanne Lau - The girl that caught Andrew's attention. You've given me a new perspective through the mind of the opposite sex. Eventhough some people consider you acting more like a guy, I personally believe you are as feminine as they come. Thank you for sharing your insights to me.
Fontaine Liu - The person who is purely genuine. I've had some of the most fun while playing computer games with you. As a person you are generally the "good guy". You treat everyone equal and will always extend that helping hand. Thanks for the good times and many more to come.
Eric Poon - The guy who gets along with just about anyone I can imagine. You understand the meaning of friendship, which is why most people (as well as me) treat you as a good friend. Take care of yourself better and hopefully you can come out more often.
Kevin Hung - The guy who's gotten a lot cooler over these past years. You can make a lot of people smile when you relate your jokes among the group. People who know you well, knows that you are a good friend. I personally think you deserve better. I have a feeling your better days are ahead of you.
There are a few people I may have missed, not because I don't care about them, but I want to discuss some other matters. To the people I might have missed, I appreciate you as much as the ones I mentioned. If I said anything incorrect above, refer back to what I said in my second intro paragraph.
The magical word called "Love"
The thing that can never be fully understood, which everyone wants to have. It can make you feel like you're on top of the world, or it can make you feel like nothing is worth to live for if you're without it. I have learned a lot in the game of love, mainly from past mistakes I've made. In fact, I guess it's safe to say that the only way to learn from love is from mistakes.
So far, I can honestly say there were only 3 girls that I've ever truly loved in my life. For the sake of keeping their names a secret, I will number them 1,2, and 3 (it sounds a bit insulting labelling them like this, but I really don't want to name them out). Each person taught me and make me who I am today, and for years to come.
Number #1 - Although this can be considered mostly puppy love, I still treat this as a stepping stone into these relationships. The only problem was that at the time, I wasn't even close in beginning to open myself to the public. So no one was emotionally harmed, since I didn't even put my feet in the water yet.
Number #2 - I met her when she became close friends with #1 in the first year of high school. Just when I decided I was going to make a move, I stumbled upon her through one of my classes. What I learned most from her was to be able to gather up the courage to talk to her face to face. Since I was not able to do it in person, she did not bother treating me seriously. I've had chances to do it, but I didn't take it. She even humiliated me in front of my whole grade, and yet I still didn't learn. In the end, I hurt myself more than I should've.
Number #3 - After a long period of surrender, I finally met someone who recently made me think a lot more than usual. I was getting the same feeling, the feeling of anxiety. Whenever I looked at her, it was though I was seeing a mirror of myself. We have striking similiarities, which surprised me greatly. However, an obstacle is preventing me from going any further. I got rattled because of it, and made a mistake that could've been avoided. It'll be a while when I get the chance, maybe never....
I'll honestly confess, I am desperate. If I was not then I wouldn't even bother with this whole thing. I keep relating to the fact that there's something about me which can't be accepted by other people. I will avoid the topic of physical appearance, since that is a whole new bucket of worms on its own (it'll get too downgrading, and talking about it would only make it worse). I see my peers, most of them in relationships, and ask myself...."What makes me different than them? What are they doing differently that I do not do? Am I seriously at a lower level than they are? What is wrong with me?"
I've heard almost all the usual responses to these questions. "Be yourself and let these things happen on their own." "They are no different than you are. The right one for you hasn't appeared yet, that's all." "These things can't be rushed, you gotta let it happen." "Just because you haven't experienced it doesn't mean you are different than them."
No matter what I do, whether I try or give up, it always lead to the same conclusion. I find myself withered down to a pathetic state, unable to get back on my feet. The meaning of commitment is fading, and I'm clinging to it as my last chance of ever coming back to my normal self. I'm afraid if I ever lose that, it will be like breaking the very foundation of what I've build my life upon.
"Aside: Takes a deep breath". I temporarily lost myself for a moment. But I think this is the right thing to do, to open up for others to see as well as to myself. I must get through this one way or another.
The New Year.....and Conclusion
A new year always bring a new beginning. It's like a school year...but instead it's about life and not grades. You can say every year is a "Report Card of Life", and for this year I'll have to say I averaged a "C". Things can always be better, but I lacked commitment in a lot of things I had to do. I got the short end of the straw on a lot of issues and some were clearly uncontrollable by me. I hope the new year will bring me a lot more opportunities. As well I hope the goals I've set out for the coming year can be fulfilled (I refuse to annouce what they are. I don't want any outside influence, positive or negative).
I think I've said enough in this rant. I pour my heart out to see how it would come out. I'll probably see the effects a little later, after I get some feedback (if any). I wish everyone a Happy New Year!!! Take care of yourselves, and each other.
The sun has finally set and the night begins. Another day has passed, but this time it'll be the last of the year 2004, one filled with many up and downs. You would think that almost everyone would be seeking acquaintances to occupy themselves on New Years Eve. However, all of my friends have made plans, and this day, along with past New Year's Eve days, will be no different for me. I'll take this chance now to do something that I've never done before.
Before I begin, I must advise the reader of the length and content of this blog. What I'm set to accomplish is uncertain. But by the time you're done reading this long rant, you should be able to understand more about me as a person and how I view life through my eyes (hopefully). Like all rants, there exists a bias towards how I perceive things. With this in mind, I will try to convey myself in the best possible way. For the readers who do not have the patience to follow, do not push yourself to. I appreciate everyone who reads this and will respect everyone who does not.
I will separate each section with headings for easier viewing.
My Life as a Person
People who know me as a person should generally understand my personality. I'm a reserved person who contemplates more than I speak. I'm the type of person who would over-analyze a small thing and turn it into something that will worry me for a few days. Simply put, I think too much and will speak out only if I have to.
Because of this, I'm not a very social person. I wouldn't say I'm anti-social, but overall a quiet person. When I was young, I would have difficulty trying to fit into the "crowd". I always tried so hard to become the popular person, trying to get people to recognize me. Eventually I realized to be myself, let people judge me for who I am, and to not act as someone that I am not. As time passed, I became more open to my peers. I made a few friends, and got along pretty well. But something lingered on, and still till this day it has lingered. One could say it's just my personality, but I personally feel that it is something more...
To explain this to the best of my ability, I will use a well thought-out analogy:
Suppose you are trying to avoid a tiger that's been chasing you for a long time. It's true intentions is not known, but you are sure of one thing, and that is it will harm you if it had the chance. You stumble upon a box-shaped room with a door that can be locked. The room is strong enough to withstand anything (including a blood-thirsty tiger), but you are not aware if it is strong enough. You quickly decide to lock yourself in the room, hoping it would be enough to fend off the animal. But the noise it makes is simply unbearable, frightening you and causing you to doubt the strength of the room. Then within the room you see another room, an exact same room of the one you are in right now, but a little smaller. You go into the next room, locking yourself up, in an effort to avoid the noise of the tiger. The sound got damper, but you can still hear it. Then you discover that there's another room, the exact same one but a bit smaller again. By now you realize that there's an infinite amount of these rooms, so you continue the process of locking yourself in (bear ing in mind that the first room was strong enough to withstand the beast), until the point where you can not hear the unbearable sound.
You are now in a very small room after going through countless amount of rooms. You have waited long enough for the tiger to give up on you. But deep down you are still frightened, afraid if the tiger is preparing for an ambush outside the door. You cautiously open the door, and discovered it is not there. Now the next door awaits you, and you still cannot find the beast. As you go through the doors, whenever you hear the unbearable sound, you quickly go back into the previous rooms and hid until the sound cannot be heard. This process is forever repeated, with no end in sight.....
I guess this analogy basically sums up my personality in a nutshell, give or take a bit. Although I don't show it in public, this is what I went through and still do till this day. The people who knows me very well would understand what I'm trying to say. For those who doesn't know me as well, in time you will understand too.
My Friends
The people other than my family that affect me the most, my friends. Although I do not have many, I believe the ones I made will last for a long time. They are the ones, regardless of your appearance, would support you no matter what.
There is something I must say before I continue on with this discussion. It is something I have believed in the past, but not as much nowadays. I seriously believed that I was at a "lower level" compared to all of my friends. If I observed each and everyone of them, I would truly be convinced that they are among a higher group of class. Maybe this is due to the fact that I feel not as popular as everyone whenever I try to seek recognition from them. Or it is because everyone have their own unique personality and what's making me feel different is because I'm one of those personalities. In any case, I don't think I can say much about this sort of feeling. Therefore, I will leave it for another time.
I would like to take this opportunity to reconcile with some of those friends in this rant. If your name doesn't show up here and you treat me as a friend, it doesn't mean that I don't either. If your name does show up here, but you don't treat me as a friend, then I apologize for anything I may have said.
Andrew Lee - The first to attempt in opening my door, and the first person I've met that can speak his mind freely if he wants to. I have learned much from you and have given me strength to continue on. Although recently we haven't been in contact all that much, I appreciate and thank you for your support during my times of need.
Joanne Lau - The girl that caught Andrew's attention. You've given me a new perspective through the mind of the opposite sex. Eventhough some people consider you acting more like a guy, I personally believe you are as feminine as they come. Thank you for sharing your insights to me.
Fontaine Liu - The person who is purely genuine. I've had some of the most fun while playing computer games with you. As a person you are generally the "good guy". You treat everyone equal and will always extend that helping hand. Thanks for the good times and many more to come.
Eric Poon - The guy who gets along with just about anyone I can imagine. You understand the meaning of friendship, which is why most people (as well as me) treat you as a good friend. Take care of yourself better and hopefully you can come out more often.
Kevin Hung - The guy who's gotten a lot cooler over these past years. You can make a lot of people smile when you relate your jokes among the group. People who know you well, knows that you are a good friend. I personally think you deserve better. I have a feeling your better days are ahead of you.
There are a few people I may have missed, not because I don't care about them, but I want to discuss some other matters. To the people I might have missed, I appreciate you as much as the ones I mentioned. If I said anything incorrect above, refer back to what I said in my second intro paragraph.
The magical word called "Love"
The thing that can never be fully understood, which everyone wants to have. It can make you feel like you're on top of the world, or it can make you feel like nothing is worth to live for if you're without it. I have learned a lot in the game of love, mainly from past mistakes I've made. In fact, I guess it's safe to say that the only way to learn from love is from mistakes.
So far, I can honestly say there were only 3 girls that I've ever truly loved in my life. For the sake of keeping their names a secret, I will number them 1,2, and 3 (it sounds a bit insulting labelling them like this, but I really don't want to name them out). Each person taught me and make me who I am today, and for years to come.
Number #1 - Although this can be considered mostly puppy love, I still treat this as a stepping stone into these relationships. The only problem was that at the time, I wasn't even close in beginning to open myself to the public. So no one was emotionally harmed, since I didn't even put my feet in the water yet.
Number #2 - I met her when she became close friends with #1 in the first year of high school. Just when I decided I was going to make a move, I stumbled upon her through one of my classes. What I learned most from her was to be able to gather up the courage to talk to her face to face. Since I was not able to do it in person, she did not bother treating me seriously. I've had chances to do it, but I didn't take it. She even humiliated me in front of my whole grade, and yet I still didn't learn. In the end, I hurt myself more than I should've.
Number #3 - After a long period of surrender, I finally met someone who recently made me think a lot more than usual. I was getting the same feeling, the feeling of anxiety. Whenever I looked at her, it was though I was seeing a mirror of myself. We have striking similiarities, which surprised me greatly. However, an obstacle is preventing me from going any further. I got rattled because of it, and made a mistake that could've been avoided. It'll be a while when I get the chance, maybe never....
I'll honestly confess, I am desperate. If I was not then I wouldn't even bother with this whole thing. I keep relating to the fact that there's something about me which can't be accepted by other people. I will avoid the topic of physical appearance, since that is a whole new bucket of worms on its own (it'll get too downgrading, and talking about it would only make it worse). I see my peers, most of them in relationships, and ask myself...."What makes me different than them? What are they doing differently that I do not do? Am I seriously at a lower level than they are? What is wrong with me?"
I've heard almost all the usual responses to these questions. "Be yourself and let these things happen on their own." "They are no different than you are. The right one for you hasn't appeared yet, that's all." "These things can't be rushed, you gotta let it happen." "Just because you haven't experienced it doesn't mean you are different than them."
No matter what I do, whether I try or give up, it always lead to the same conclusion. I find myself withered down to a pathetic state, unable to get back on my feet. The meaning of commitment is fading, and I'm clinging to it as my last chance of ever coming back to my normal self. I'm afraid if I ever lose that, it will be like breaking the very foundation of what I've build my life upon.
The New Year.....and Conclusion
A new year always bring a new beginning. It's like a school year...but instead it's about life and not grades. You can say every year is a "Report Card of Life", and for this year I'll have to say I averaged a "C". Things can always be better, but I lacked commitment in a lot of things I had to do. I got the short end of the straw on a lot of issues and some were clearly uncontrollable by me. I hope the new year will bring me a lot more opportunities. As well I hope the goals I've set out for the coming year can be fulfilled (I refuse to annouce what they are. I don't want any outside influence, positive or negative).
I think I've said enough in this rant. I pour my heart out to see how it would come out. I'll probably see the effects a little later, after I get some feedback (if any). I wish everyone a Happy New Year!!! Take care of yourselves, and each other.
